Cunning, Baffling, Powerful

At a recent meeting, the topic had to do with the insidious and patient nature of alcoholism. The moderator, sober for six months, recounted a recent experience that frightened and humbled her, and renewed her respect for her disease and her committment to remain vigilant in her program.

She had just been going through a self-congratulatory phase where she was noting how thoroughly the craving and the obsession to drink seemed to have been removed. Life was improving, the promises were coming true, wreckage was being cleared. Thoughts of a drink rarely came up, and when they did, they were easy to dismiss. It seemed as though the problem was in the past. And if that was the case, it also seemed reasonable that there was really no need to devote so much time to recovery.

Then, events conspired, as they will, to provide a wake-up call. A family get-together included a number of wine aficionados, who had all brought and were sharing their appreciation for the fine qualities and subtle virtues of a number of high-end vintages. It quickly started to seem that some moderate tasting would be a sophisticated and entirely reasonable activity to add to the enjoyment of the social event. All memories of the ‘bottom”, the unmanagability, the powerlessness, faded in the delicate bouquet of the fine wine being jovially imbibed by the non-alcoholics in attendance.

Fortunately for our speaker, she was able to access the tool of “thinking it through” in time to avoid that first drink. With a little reflection on where she had been and how far she had come, she recognized that the insanity of her disease was rearing its ugly head, and disaster was averted.

This story prompted a lively discussion about the many and varied ways complacency can make us vulnerable to our dormant but ever-present “cunning, bafflng and powerful” affliction. There was a general consensus that we all must avoid underestimating the power of our lifelong foe, and be wary of the many disguises it assumes.  People recounted stories of their own close calls, the faulty thinking underlying them, and the recovery tools that proved effective in warding off temptation.

How has your disease spoken to you when your guard was down? What was your experience (successful or not) in fighting off the insanity? Have you developed any particulary effective techniques for preventing these thoughts, and for dealing with them when the arise? Please share so that others can benefit from your experience and wisdom.

RESTORED TO SANITY

The first thing we are told after admitting that we are powerless is that we can, if we follow the program, be “restored to sanity.”  For many at this stage, that is taken to mean simply that we will become able to stop drinking or using.  Our continued use of alcohol and drugs in spite of consistently worsening negative consequences surely qualifies as a form of insanity.  To be relieved of that compulsion is no small gift, and is all most of us are seeking or expecting when we enter recovery. 

As time passes and insight grows however, there is usually a series of revelations pointing to a variety of other ways in which we were insane.  Insane in our relationships, insane in our worldviews and opinions, insane in our grandiose self- images and egocentric perspectives, insane in our obsessive fears, insane in our handling of diet, excercise, sex, work, or finances.  The list goes on and on.  It  can be  overwhelming coming to realize how many flavors of insanity we suffer from, but the consolation is that we are given the opportunity and the tools to regain sanity in every aspect of our lives, if we are willing to get honest and do the work.  Most of us end up  looking back at the self we used to be, even newly sober, and shaking our heads in amazement at how clueless we were.  Next comes an awareness of how deeply we have changed, and a dose of gratitude for all the progress that has been made possible by our program.  In the long run, it is this unanticipated bonus of improvements and positive results that keeps many of us coming back long after the obsession has been lifted.

What types of insanity were revealed to you as you worked your program?  How surprised were you to find out that you were indeed gaining a ”whole new attitude and outlook on life”?  Which types of insanity are still resisting your best efforts to change them?  Remember, its “progress, not perfection.”  “One day at a time.”

MOST IMPORTANT

We hear it (and many other things!) again and again:  “The newcomer is the most important person in the room.”  While that is easy enough to understand, the crucial corollary is that the most important thing we can do at a meeting is to take some action which increases the likelihood that the newcomer will keep coming back.  We all remember how we felt and what we thought at our first meeting.  The program doesn’t take effect immediately.  Far from it.  In fact in most cases the early experience of meetings is some combination of fear, bewilderment, resistance, alienation and/or outright hostility.

Accordingly, it is incumbent on the “oldtimers” to recall our own experience, and use it to empathize with the newcomer.  We do this by paying attention to what they do and say, introducing ourselves, and helping them deal with the overwhelming flood of thoughts and feelings they are managing as they try to embrace a strange program they do not understand but have been told will save their lives.

Each of us had our own set of special problems with what we saw and heard when we got here.  The agnostics are repelled by the liberal use of the word “God.”  How can we benefit from a program that relies so heavily on something we don’t believe in?  The occasional use of the substitute term “Higher Power,”  and references to some amorphous “spirituality” offer only token consolation.   There is a suspicion that the group is really some thinly-veiled form of a religion.  Many of us were raised in religious traditions, had bad experiences, and ultimately rejected the religion and the entire system of beliefs upon which it was based, including the idea of God.  In some cases, this actually played a part in causing us to turn to drugs or alcohol as a misguided way of quenching our spiritual thirst.

Those who practiced isolation as part of their disease may have always been insecure, anti-social, and mistrusting of the motivations of other people.  They are suspicious of this strange group of convivial “members,” who exhibit  a level of friendliness and good will towards each other that is so rare in any other context as to seem somewhat artificial.  The prevalence of shared rituals, slogans, and references to “The Book” only add to the fear that one has been drawn into some bizarre cult.

Newcomers of an intellectual bent (attorneys, anyone?) often find themselves listening only distractedly to meeting discussions, because most of their mental energy is spent critiquing the validity of other’s statements, identifying inconsistencies and fallacious logic.  They wind up missing the main point, because they are busy nitpicking the details.  If these types hear enough talk at their first meeting that fails to meet their criterion for acceptably lofty intellectual discourse, they may conclude that meetings can’t help them.

Those who still entertain a pretty high opinion of themselves are susceptible to allowing their egos and terminal uniqueness to generate a preoccupation with judging the meeting regulars.  Based on appearance, dress, vocabulary or personality; each member in turn can be invalidated and dismissed by the newcomer infused with contempt prior to investigation.

While we are a program of attraction, not promotion, this does not mean we should conduct ourselves with a “take it or leave it” attitude towards the newcomer.  It is all too easy to dismiss them as “not ready,” when in fact they are just full of trepidation, as we were when we first arrived.  We can best be of service by remembering the things that almost drove us away, and making it our business to approach the newcomer and find out what parts of the meeting and the program are causing problems for him or her.  We may have been hung up on the same things.  This positions us perfectly to respond to them in a fashion that gently helps them meet and overcome their objections.  It can be difficult to engage with newcomers, who are usually resistant, and may be overtly hostile and dismissive.  Yet it is essential that we do so.  Every time one of us makes the extra effort to embrace a newcomer with love, generosity and understanding, we help further our common purpose: to stay sober by being of service to our fellow sufferers.

What was your early experience with meetings and the program?  Were there certain ideas or practices that almost drove you away?  If so, do you use what you learned as you succeeded in overcoming those obstacles to help others do the same?   Have you developed any specific techniques or methods that you employ in dealing with newcomers?  Do you have any particularly rewarding, disappointing, or just plain interesting “newcomer anecdotes” to tell?   Please share your wisdom on this “most important” topic.

Happy Holidays

GREETINGS!

It is my privilege and pleasure to inaugurate the Other Bar Blog by wishing all  of our members, and their friends, families and colleagues a happy, joyous and sober holiday season. May you all enjoy this special time and experience it as an opportunity to dwell in gratitude and love!

The holidays are known to be difficult for alcoholics and addicts.  There are may reasons for this.  We learn in recovery that we get a daily reprieve from our disease based upon the maintenence of our spiritual condition.  We utilize many tools and practices to protect our sobriety.  Among these are avoiding drinking situations, and being wary of people, places, and things that are likely to trigger old behaviors.  The holidays present very direct challenges to each of these precepts.

We may find ourselves obligated to attend parties and gatherings where the main activity is drinking.  That egg nog sure looks delicious, but it is laced with rum.  Everybody around us seems to be having a great time, doing exactly what we used to do before our lives became unmanageable. Unaware individuals may even encourage us to imbibe.  Temptation starts to speak to us.

Or, we find ourselves in the midst of people who we see infrequently and with whom we have strained relationships.  (In-laws come to mind!)  It was probably our regular practice to lubricate these interactions with alcohol.  It is tough to learn and practice new techniques for “getting along.” Many of us come from families characterized by longstanding and deep-rooted issues.  In some cases these were made worse during our drinking and using careers.  Sometimes old resentments linger, wreckage has still not been cleaned up, or amends have yet to be made.  These social situations create stress, and of course, many of us used alcohol and drugs to alleviate stress.

Drinking and using was also commonly a practice employed to control feelings and numb emotions.  The holidays, whether one enjoys or dreads them, can be counted on to bring emotions to the surface.  Old memories, times past (good and bad), things lost, people loved and now gone… .   If you are still made uncomfortable by strong feelings, the holiday season is sure to present a challenge to your emotional sobriety and spiritual fitness.

Finally, with the commercialization rampant at this time of year, pressure to spend scarce money on obligatory gifts can cause resentment, frustration, and even humiliation to those of us who are still struggling financially.  Even with unlimited resources, gift-giving can be
nerve-racking, due to the pressure to meet expectations and come up with the “right” and “meaningful” gift.

So what’s to be done?  How do we alcoholics not only stay sober, but manage to celebrate and enjoy the holiday season?  One thing is clear.  This is not the time of year to slack off on our program or reduce the extent to which we employ our recovery tools and practice the principles of sober living.  If anything, we need to be more diligent now than ever.  The holidays may provide time off work, but the work of recovery goes on.

What are your particular challenges at this time of year?  Have you experienced any notable successes or failures in dealing with them?  What have you learned as a result?  Please share with us your “tool kit” and survival strategies for the holiday season.  Also, feel free to spin any entertaining and/or instructive tales of holiday adventures, either before or after becoming sober.  Remember, we share our experience, strength, and hope to deal with our common problem.  Don’t be shy!  Please take a moment to say hello, weigh in, and let us get to know who you are and benefit from what you have learned.  I look forward to an ongoing and rewarding Other Bar dialogue at this site.  Ho Ho Ho!

David Mann
Consultant
The Other Bar
415.240.1599
dguymann@gmail.com